The Wodes of Eyr

preface

Now there were many wodes: some were goode and some wert poore, but we may say that all were greate, save for Heimry, who wert not greate, but very poore a wode indeed. We study the lives of greate menne and womenne that we might emulate their deedes, and surely no men wert greater than oure wodes. May their memory and their inspiratione ever lingre on and fill up oure mindes.

eyrth the builder

Eyrth the Builder wert the first wode and some say the beste wode. When elected wode he led his menne into the Vale of Orcades and went up into the swampes and challenged the Kynge of the Forest. Up on the Rock of the Heart of the Vale they fought and did battle and Eyrth won, for he wert more savage than the savages and he slew the Kynge and said to his menne: “Let us build a city here.” So they did. And he came up with the lawes of the lande and had them recited so that all men knew them. And aftre eight years of being wode he said: “Menne, let no man be wode for more than eight yeares,” and he took off his crowne and left.

edwin the blind

Edwyn were an Elendie princelinge who wert captive by raidres whenne a youthe and blindede so he might not escape for freedomme. He toiled as a slave for yeares pushing the mill-geares til Eyerth arrived and slew his captores and took their posessions, including the boy. Eyrth asked him: “What is your name, boy?” And he said: “I do not know, they did not give me one but call me boy.” So Eyrthe named him Eydwen, after his shieldbearer who hadde died in the battel freeying himme. Eyrth came to like Edwyn, for he had good cunning for a youthe, and gave him his freedomme, but Edwenn decyded to stay with Eyrth ande lerne the wayes of the Folke. When Eyrth left, Eddwin was made wode by unanimouse conscent, fore all admired Edwine’s wisdome. In those days menne admired wisdome and knew to reward it well, such as with greate wealthe or kingship, unlike today, when ignorant menne reigne and wise menne are forced to write histories for a livinge and eat turnip-brothe instead of sweet meates. As wode he had the laws of Eyrth enscribed upon bronze tablets and hadde them displayed in the centre of towne so thate alle coulde see them.

ahlwin the able

Now they saye the candidates for wode that yeare were alle terribel candidates indeed, and none of the men voting wantede a thinge to do with them, so instead they picked a farmre nearby who wert prudent and thoughte himme a better governour of thinges than the miscreantes who applied fore the position. So Ahlwin relucktantly became the wode of Eyr, though he wished it not.

heriwald the bear

[The manuscript here is too stained with what appears to be turnip broth to be read.]—likely from disease all his haire fell off his bodye. What a sight that muste have been!

gwenne from overseas

Gwenne was borne over seas.

cleph soft-sword

At this time the City of Eyr was having tensions alonge its bordre with Gyling, which was downstreame some miles, about the place of Eyporte today. The two cities seemed on the brink of war, but at the last minute Cleph negotiated a treatye to resolve the bordre with Gyling, and so war was averted, hence his name. Some menne will do what they think ryghte, and not what is populare.

andwin cabbage-eater

It was knowne that the wealthie manne, having many good thinges and sitting well under the bounttie of natur, woulde chose to eat much meate and sweete-meate as welle, in prefrence overe rations of turnip-brothe or othre triflinge fillimentes, such as leaves ande boilled leathre. These are the rustick foodstuffes of the commone manne and not the refinede palit of the dignified eater, who choses meat. But in any case, to win the vote of the commonne man Andwin made publick his lusty desire for cabbage, so that alle menne wolde thinke him plaine. “So a man eattes cabige,” Andwin said, and so won the vote of the commone manne.

wandlea the wise

Wandlea was knowne to be a greate drinker, one who coulde imbibe any amounte of liquide, be it beer, wine, or spirits, or watre too, if she chose. She said: “There is naught seperates a Nobel man from a Commone whene Beere is drunken, fore no man, be they Nobel or Commone, can drinketh more than five or six gallones of Beere a day. Thus we are all alike.”

rodelfe i

rotherbert the hammer

Rotherbert led an attaque on the city of Hyber at night, and under the covre of darkness he and his many men snuck into Hyber and then threw down torches and set it alight. As the men of Hyber came out of their homes to put out the blazes, Rotherbert slew them. They say Rotherbert slew them with his mighty hammre, and slew a greate many. Whence the men of Hybre were dead and the place wert made a-ruin, Rotherbert took the women as captives and married them to his loyal men, who repopulated Hyber, and this is how Eyr first expanded beyond its walls to rule other cities. Now, it is said he had no nippels, but I do not see how this could be, because except a manne I knew who had them cut off as punishment for some crime (I believe, at least. It is concievable he did it for pleasure, as he were an odd manne, but I was taught not to judge or speckulate), I have never seen a man without them, useless tho they be.

leitma the cheat

In a very contested election, Leitma bribed a greate many men to be elected wode. She is remembered as an excellent public servant and administratore. Now, Leitma emploid manye servents and she would enjoy to have her servants all lined up with herself at the vanguarde and would marche them through the streetes of Eyr and say to the people: “Look at my servaunts, people!” And the people would look at her servents, and they would jeer and cheer, fore the servents were festooned with garlandes of flouers and with hats made to look like animals and other things. What a delight.

sigfolk

When in debate for the election of wode, Sigfolk was angered by his opponent Marenese who is said to be the most skilled orator of his day. So Sigfolk punched Marenese in the gut so harde bothe his kidneys ruptured and he died, and so Sigfolk was elected wode. It is said later that Sigfolk was ridinge a horse in town and the ups and downes of the horse’s trot caused him to give birthe to a baby, fore he was actually a pregnant woman in disguise. I do not knowe if this is true, but he did die from falling off a horse and breaking his neck, so perhappes he were a womanne.

wilf

Wilf raised the taxes upon the poore very much, whiche caused a great hardshipe and suffering amongst them. When the poor came to Wilf and begged him to lowre the taxes, he laughed a haughty laughe and had his loyal men who followed him about assaile the poor with swords. So in response all the poore of Eyr took their thinges and left Eyr. Within a day Eyr had devolved into anarchy, for there was no one to make the goodes or run the shoppes or do any of the things whiche the poore do. So Wilf sent men to ask the poore what they wanted so they might return to Eyr and do the things whiche poore men do, and they said they would but only if their taxes were removed and instead put tenfold on the richest men of the city, whom they hated much. Willf had no choice but to comply, so taxed the rich very much. Soon aftre Wilf ate poisoned beef and died.

berna the black

Berna were of Elandye stock and they sayeth her real name wert not Berna but she adopted it, for the othre Eyrsh coulde notte pronounce her real name so called herselfe Berna, which were a name thatte is much more aggreeable to the Eyrsh tong. They say she muche enjoyed the torturinge of menne, and rede-bearded menne in the specifick, and so hadde a greate manny mutilatede fore her bemusement in the corte to displey to alle herre powre, and one of the more interestinge tortures recorded by Diodorous werte the time whence she had a manne placed upside down beforre her naked and a toobe of coppre were insertede up the anus and a great manny hampstres were forced to marche into the manne's anus while she sat upon her throne looking at his expressiones while they enttered and laughede a goode much at the jest. I do not know if this is true, as Diodorous had patronage from Berna's foes, but as a practicioner of True History, it is importante I record this for posteritie, for Diodorous did truly write it, wether or not it is true. Her entertaynmentse were much agreede upon in the corte ande she had a goode head of thick, luxurious blacke hair whiche all admired, and wert well lovede for her settinge of reasonabel wagges for honeste werk.

berinheart the good

During Berinheart’s reign there wert a storm of greate magnitude and many homes shook and fell and the rubbel burnt and the rains came and made the ash mud and all of Eyr was a ruin. As the Eyrsh rebuilte their city, Berinheart let the impovreshed camp upon his vast plantatione out-side the city gates, and so was fondly remembred as a goode man. He was quicke with the wine and quickre stille with his fingres, and it is said he could performe many greate feates of dexterity with his handes, such as holdinge his hands near a candel and manipulating his handes in suche a way as to make the cast shadowes resemble things like a duck or a man walking, whiche many a manne founde to be delightful and impressive.

meginfrith the little dagger

Reportedly his penis wert small. What a thinge that this be only what posterity remembre you by.

heimry the young

Heimry was elected wode at the age of seventeen, because he ran on a platforme that the adultes were all corrupted, and an innocent youthe should leade the men. Unsurprisingly he was a very bad rulre. He had no experience and knewe not what to do or how to do it well. The poore men revolted yet again and took their things and lefte Eyr. Heimry sent his armed men to go aftre them, but they revolted and joined the poore and Heimry was alle alone. So to get the men to come back he granted suffrage to the poore so they might be able to vote for the wode too, and abolished the nobility, and granted great pensions to all the poore men for life.

leebrea the good

Littel of Leebrea’s reigne is remembred due to book worms consuming the recordes, but Centorece says her firste order was to have Heimry executed and she was much beloved.

paga the mighty

Paga was one of the nobles who Heimry had demoted, and Paga reversed the abolishment of the nobility and had the nobels reinstated and compensated by raising new taxes on the poore. The poor againe responded by taking their things and leaving the town, but Paga had muche wealthe so he raised a mercenary army and they came and slew and great numbre of poore men. Paga had greate successe on the battle fielde, and was about to kille every last poore man ere he realized that if he killed all the poore men, Eyr would have no one to work all the jobs rich men do not work. So a truce was made and the poor returned. They would have no pensions, but they would have no heavy taxes either. This was a good compremise. Now, it is known Paga wished to have sexe withe a spirit of the foreste as he thought this would let him live much longre, so he went to Hightable and poured much wine into a spring which bubbels up there in the woodes, thinking that the sweet watre would lure a spirite there and she myghte get drunken and he would bedde her. Certainly he did this, but clearly he did not succede in his queste as he died rather anon aftre taking office.

rothbert the warrior

A great war with neighbouringe Hyber broke oute, and though Rothbert’s term of wode was to expire, it was agreed by all that on account of his skille as a tactician, they would extend his term as wode until the resolution of the war with Hybre. So the precident was sette that if a wode’s term was to expire during war, the term would be extended until the war’s conclusione. Rothbert is known to have ben a conessiour of cheese and loved many goode cheeses and they say was quite a skilled hande at making them too. Those cheeses you might buy on the cornre of Markt and Faire, those littel rounde ones with the red wax seals, they are named after Rothbert, but I do not think he has any connexion to them. I asked the merchante who were selling them if he knew of a connexion once, but he told me he did not knowe, so I think likely there is not. A manne selling a cheese like that would probably know if there were a connexion or not, because I think it would be a good marketing strategy to promote the cheese as Rothbert’s recipe were it so. I would be curious to try such a cheese.

horwald the executioner

Two yeares into his reign, Horwald’s brothre was murdred. Horwald believed this was an assassination, and so he became greatly paranoid that he was being watched. He secluded himself in his homme and had alle his political enemies executed. He barrickaded himself so and when men would come up to his doore he would say: “Who are ye, men?” And they would say: “We art thine friends.” Then he would peek his eyes out and looke at them and say: “Ye art not my friends, I recognize ye not.” And then he would ordre his armed men to kill them with swordes, for they wert men hired to kill Horwald, or so he said. Once his armed men thrust a speare into the groine of a man trying to visite Horwald, and Horwald watched this happen and cried out: “A ha! Thou art in thine groine stabbed!” His taxatione policies wert prudent.

enrichy the catamite

Because Horwald had slewn all of his rivales, he was essentially able to appoint his successour, so he appointed Enrichy, who wert his catamite and lovre. He did as Horwald told him, and so Enrichy’s reign was really that of Horwald’s, just by anothre name. The goode policies of this time can be beste explained by the parable of the Manne from Dummonde, which is said to have happened undre the reigne of Enrichy. The parable goes: A manne from Dummonde came into Eyr on horseback and exclaimed: “Men of Eyr, I am from Dummond, come and grete me!” So they came out to see him, and he said: “Men of Eyr, your roades are safe.” And the men of Eyr said: “Aye, our roades are the safest in alle the Werld.” And the manne from Dumond said: “I could have my daughtre ride from Dumonde to Eyr on horse, naked as the daye she wert bourne but a collar of golde and diamoundes about her neck, and feel secure she would be unmolested.” And the men of Eyr said: “Aye, that you could.” And the manne from Dumont said: “Why is this so?” And the men of Eyr said: “It is so because we are respecktful men and obey our juste lawes.” That is how the parable goes.

doomgerda the gentle

Horwald died in the late reign of his catemight and the families that had fled Eyr to escape his murders returned aftre that yeare. Doomgerda was one of these men; Horwald had executed her father early in his reign. To everyone’s surprise, Doomgerda proved merciful and did not take her revenge on Enrichy, but instead took him to be her lovre, and so Enrichy wert the lover off two wodes and one himselfe. Doomgerda then proclaimed new lawes to prevent a wode from having such tyrannickal powers to execute anyone for any reason againe, and so she is remembred as the Second Founder of Eyr.

adelroth barefoot

Adelroth fought a great many wars against all of Eyr’s neighbours. During a battel against Hyber he was captured by his foemen and they took Adelroth back to their camp and cut off his feet. That night the Hyber foemen got greatly drunk, and in the din Adelroth snuck out of his tent and crawled his way back to his men on his bellye. The next morn his men put him up on his horse and he lead a charge against the hungover foemen of Hybre and defeated them. He recovered his feet and had them stuffed and they can still be seen in the throne room of Eyr, by the third window sill to the right when one enters the main door, near the many candels, but before the windowe withe the crackede pane. They are on the redde painted bord.

gothryth

Gothryth was a skilled dancer and is said to have come up with many of the goode dances, such as the gleeman’s high-step, which you well know. They say his shapely legs and nimble limbs twirling ere and fro swooned many a heart, both manly and womanly. He waged a long and disastrous war againste Hyber before at last he was captured in battel and executed.

gyther split-nose

Gyther wert an incompetant generel, and the wars he inherited he only protrackted with his lacke of skille. During battle his face wert struck by an ax from the front, and his nose wert cleft right in twain, down the middel. He died during siege yeares later, from loose bowels aftre eating a rotten chicken.

frotlan the careless

If Gyther were bad, Frotlan were worse. He concluded the longe wars with Hyber, giving them significant concessions and ceding them muche lande. He was well hated. Frotlan had a bridge built across a span of the Orcades and when it was being built he said: “I will run across this bridge and race any man who wisheth to race me, and if he runneth the faster I shalt give him a golden coin.” So a man named Heymmet said: “I shall race ye.” And the two raced. But as they raced across the bridge, it colapsed, fore the bridge was not yet complete and racing across it wert a bad idea. Heymmet drowned and Frotlan was recovered, though his leg was dashed on rockes and hadde to be amputated. This is why old men shake their fists at youthe who run about wildely and say: “Do not run like Frotlan did! Or like Heymmet!” But secretly these old men are jealous, because they hobbel about on caines and desire the swift feet of children.

regina the hammer of the tweirites

Regina is best knowne to day for her great victories over the Tweirites in Eyr’s wars against those savage peoples, who were so well ruined and made humbel that they fled over the moutaines and set up a new kingdome far away from Eyr so as to be spaired from future defeate from Eyrsh handes. This is known and discussed by menne who think it fashionable to show how clever they are by talkinge about suche thinges because of the recent, some how well-sellinge booke (wich I shall not denegrate myself by naming here) by the so-called historian Berna Louden, an authoress I shall not dignify by comenting on, save that she clerely conned her way into tenure at the Scola, as she has a clear lack of aptitude towards the historickal sciences. It is certaine that briberie or possibly witchcraft is afoot, four it is plaine obvious to any helthy mind who really deserved that positione, fore no rationale personne would have picked her over the much superiour othre applicant, an applicant it must be said who actually practices True History and doesn’t write witless pap drivel for the braying masses to parrot at social eventes, which, for the reckord, I didn’t even want to attend, and even if I did (which I do not!), I wolddn’t be able to any-way because I am much too preoccupied with writing True History to attend your trifling little events, Berna.

robryht the fighter

Robryht waged vaste war on the Hyber and retooke the landes that Frotlan had given up, and so was well loved. Robryht is saide to have hadde a wooden box with a magnificently complex lock on it, a locke so complex no manne could pick it. And he said: “Any man that might pick my locke shalt have my treasures inside, for they art good riches.” Menne came fromme affar to pick at his locke but none could yet picke it. Then come Haren son of Hawkin who said: “I shalt have this treasure.” And he took an ax and smashed the wooden box. But whatever was inside the box was made of delicate glass and was broken, so none enjoyed it. I do not know what came of the locke.

ricca

Ricca set up a corte for spies and her secret men who would go about Eyr and the countryside and listen to dangereous conversations. They called it the Court of Many Stars, because originally the chambre they met in hadde many stares painted on its ceiling. I do not know where they mete now, but they still call the the Eyrsh spy network the Court of Many Stars, so maybe they do still mete there or perhaps it was just the name that stuck, as sometimes happens with these things.

armgard the bloody

When settlers in the lands Robryht had recovered from Hyber began to protest heavy taxation, Armgard sent in his loyal swordmen and slew a good many of them til their complaints ended. He was widely considred a goode rulre. Temides tells us Armgard kept in his entourage of men a three-armed manne. When foreign dignitaries would come, Armgard would say: “Greetings, Lord so-and-so, here is my Master of Mint, here is my Cupbearer, here is my Court Physician, and here is my three-armed man.” And the alien would invariabley say: “Sir, did you say you have a three-armed man?” And Armgard said: “Aye, this is so.” And the alien would then say: “But he looks like any othre man with two arms standing plainly before me. Might I see his third?” And Armgard would say: “You may.” And he would tear off the man’s clothing, and his penis was deformed and looked something like a hand, and Armgard would laugh loudely at the jest.

edger with the whiskers

In the election held for wode that yeare, two men named Edger ran for the wode, one with a bearde and one without. The bearded Edger won. He built the first publick hospital in Eyr and would go and visite the hospitale and see the sicke people there. When he were in goode healthe he regularly exposed himself to sick people with mild diseases, fore he thought it would make him immune to stronger forms of the same affliction. His doctores swore this were foolish, but in the end he were stabbed, so no one knowes the truth.

sescrea the friend of three kings

Sescrea waged a war to the south on the Circe and wanted to take lande there for Eyr. She went with her army on campaigne and was in her tent when her men said: “Sescrea, three men wisheth see ye and quoth they that they art kinges of the east.” So Sescrea said: “Very well, seeth them I shalt.” And they came into her tent and they were Cottoners. Now at this time the greate Ardine kingdomes you might think of had not quite formed yet, but there were some petty-kingdomes among the Ardines, and these were the cotton kingdomes, as we call them, and these kinges who came were cotton kings. And they said: “Sescrea, we art cottone kinges three and each we wisheth open our doores to thee and thine kind that we mighte trade with thee. We shalt to thee giveth fish, and cottone too, for thine silvre.” And Sescrea said: “Yea, this is a goode deal and so it shall come to pass. Shalt thou drinketh with me so as to maketh this a pact?” And they said: “Aye, we shalt drink with thee.” And so they drank at her camp and all enjoyed her company very muche and became goode friendes.

bilgrim man-eater

During the reigne of Bilgrim was the laste and finale time the poore of Eyr withdrew from the city. As before he raised taxes much too highe for any poore manne to afford, so they withdrew and he raised an army, but half of the armye went with the poore. So neither side were strongre than the othre, and bothe were campt out on the fields before the othre in the plaine light of day. Bilgrim had captured poore-menne beheaded and had their heads put up on stakes ande displayed to the poore and he said: “Look! Yon heads shalt too be here lest ye submit.” Then he had poore menne flayed and their skines strung up like hides, and he said: “Look! Thy hides shalt be mine pelts lest ye submit.” Then he had poore menne cutte up into pieces and cooked for foode and he ate them in plain sight of the poore, and his own men were much disturbed by this and killed him. So the poore went back into the city.

dudchyn the bear

Dudchyn wone the electione by logickal means: he told the electors: “Electeth me and I shalt passeth law which forever shalt macke the raising or lowering of taxation subject to the commonweal of the electors by vote and not solely to the whims of the wode.” And so he was elected and he enacted this law. Because they elected him so late in the yeare when the snow had fallen instead of the usual time in the springe, it was agreed to give him anothre yeare to serve as wode and that is why he served nine years. Now, Dudchyn was a very large manne and furry and many a lad would sit on his lappe with glee and he bobbed them up and downe with his knee while he laughed a hearty laugh frome deepe in his throate.

gero

Gero passed lawe that would let him marry his daughtre, but the judges founde this lawe most unseemly and so ammendede it be that he may only aftre he turned the age of sixty, but he died when he were fifty-nine, so this never came do be, hence some men will say: “Come drink this wine with me and do not wait and be like Gero!” Now, Gero came unto a greate treasure somehowe duringe his youthe, whethre by theft, plundre, inheritance, or honeste grafte I do notte know, but he had the treasure gathred up and buried in a certaine spot outside the city, and said: “No manne evere shall my treasure have!” And when it was burried he had no markre placed to marque the spotte, so no one knew where his treasure were. Now a farmre the othre yeare was digging on his farm outside the city and claimed to have dug up a wooden boxe on his farm that was quite olde and said: “I have dug up the treasure of Gero!” But I am not sure that he did, because I saw him recently and he was wearing poore clothing.

rudewolf

Rudewolf II established the office of the Justice of the Peace, and these men would go about their districtes and make sure the wode’s law was enforced and juste and once a yeare the people undere the Justice might come to the wode and bringe forthe any grievances or praise for their Justice and the wode would ackt accordingley. Now, Rudewolf II came down with a fierce itch in his crotche and for many days he scratched at it on the stretes, in his bedde, in the corte even, and he asked his wise men: “Why doth my crotch itch so?” And they did not knowe at firste but one said: “My lord, I believe thou hast been by a witch a-cursed.” And the wode said: “Find the witche which did this to my crotch!” And many women were gathred and brought to corte before him and he asked them each: “Are ye the witch who put a curse upon my crotch?” And each of them said: “No.” And aftre some dozen of them had said: “No,” the wode was made furiouse and suspected maybe he was beinge lied to. So he had the next woman tortured with leeches and while she wailed he said: “Are ye the witch who put a curse upon my crotch?” And the woman said: “Aye! I put a curse upon thine crotch! Please now, take these leeches off!” And the wode had her killed. But he still had an itch upon his crotch that frustrated him all his days and eventually it became infeckted and rotted and he died from that.

thora the merchant-king

Thora was a goode merchant and hadde a mind for profit and decided she woulde put these skills to use for Eyr, so she hadde a new harbor made where the Orcades meets Our Greate Middel Sea and called it Eyporte for it were built on an eye, and also she had a new market built in the centre of Eyr where men from alle the Werld over could come and trade goodes. Such wealthe was acquired in those times. Such prosperity. Thora was well-knowne to go to thate Eyremarkt everey day to see whatt new thinges had come into Eyr that daye and while she would wait to see the merchents come in she would fiddle with her guitarre and play to the market stalls. And an olde man by the name of Hawkines—though Roughbridgce claimes the man's name wasn't Hawkins but was Geor, which I doubt, but will record here so it is known he thinks that—came up to her and said: "Don't ye have anything better to do? Shan't ye be toiling at work diligently making us laws?" So she simply started singing the laws to the people. And that's why every civic code of Eyr predating Arca is written in iambick pentametre, for that's the style she liked to sing in.

rodelfe the white

Rodelfe were said to be a curious womanne, which is a goode traite, and were said to have proclaimed to a town once she captured it during the Ardine Wars: “Ardine menne, be any of you craftsmen, or artists, or scholars, or philosophers, cometh to me now and state thine area of competance and expertice, and I shalt spareth ye of my wrath, and those of you Ardine menne who are but merely laborers, I shalt now kill ye all with swordes.” At firste her armies thus did much slaughtering in cities, but as the yeares went by and she went deepre into Ardine terrertorie, she encountred fewre laboreres and many more artistes and philosophres aftre she tooke a city and the Eyrsh marvelled at how wise and sophistickated the Ardines were, for even the smallest hamlette were filled to the brimm with philosophres. But due to inflationne no one needed all these philosophers, so they started killing them too. Anyhow, when Rodelfe were in her mothre’s womb, a fierce and large dog ran up to her and barked a great many times, and that is why when Rodelfe were born she was born entirely with a shock of white hair, hence her name.

fromma the good

Fromma the Good is said to have burnt fifteen score tonnes of inscents at the shrines and for this she is thought to have been a goode man. Some say Fromath liked the dice, and I am not sure how goode a man she could be if she likes the dice as well, but the story actually went like this. Now they say she went to Markt and saw some gange of children sitting about who wert playing the dice and the one ladde was doing quite well at the dice and the othre laddes were not doing quite as well as this ladde. So Froma said: “I shall put five pence on this ladde that he beat out the othres.” And so she actually bet on children, and not on dice, as they say.

warra the iron

Now, Warra were so named because her will wert said to be immutable ande once she made her minde set on some thinge no thing coulde change it. When she set a high fee on the importe of woole the clothiers came to Warra and said: “Please lower thy tarriffes on woole.” And she said: “Nay.” And she sette new standreds to make it hardre for journey-men of masonry to become mastres, and the journey-menne came to her and said: “Please relax thy new regulationnes.” And she said: “Nay.” And she lowred the wages of her soldiers, and they came to her and said: “Please restore our wage.” And she said: “Nay.” And that is how Warra's Rebellion started and she was beheaded when the soldieres captured her.

erce

Erce were said to be a head taller than any Man, even tall men, and Deocetes reckones she wert at least seven feat talle, so she was probably the talleste wode there was. That is why sometimes when one sees a tall woman loafing about people say: “What do you see, Erce?” I've notte knowne a woman so asked who enjoyed this jibe, but that is the origin of that saying.

hildaghost the uncouth

Hildaghost wert raised a-mongst the merchant lordes from Wolfing-land and her customes were not the norm in Eyr. She introduced forks and napkins and naprons, and at the time they all thought this silly, though we use them all now.

sten who-fights-alone

sesbrea goddess-given

Sesbrea were a goode wise womanne and was much interested in theological discussion, as alle propre men are. So she established the Courte of Truth to seek out what was true and what was false. As we all know, she hadde her Visione upon the Rock and came back to Eyr and declared herselfe the consorte of the Mothre, and the goode people of Eyr toppeled the Wyestone over and declaired the Courte of the Moon. So began the War of the Wyestone, when those lowe villaines centred in Tweir refused to accept the wode was consorte of the Mothre. She lived a good life and died in bedde and is remembered as the Third Founder of Eyr.

edwarin the pious

Edwarin inherited Sesbrea's war and continued it, fore the wode is the consorte of the Mothre. He made the greate Declaration of Eyr where he proclaimed himself so, and announced all who deny the Mothre be supreme are traitores and shall be killed. Edwarin were most faymouse for his saying: "Stay calm" to all his menne, and it were a humrous joke amongst his fellow-warriours when in the pitche of battel the man neckts to himme hadde his head chopped in twaine or wert evirserated or somesuch, he'd go and say: "Stay calm, now." And after a time of doinge that, one of his soldieres who hadde just lost his bowels and wert aboute to die told him to shut up. And so, out of respect, Edwarin did, but he still wanted to say it, so he hadde the wordes written on his fingres insteade so all his men could see they should stay calm.

edkert the fox

Edkert wert a clevre generale and defeated many traitoures in the fielde of battel and slew a great many foemen through his cunning. He once took a bit of parchment and on it wrote: “Do not light a fire, fore we will see you and kill you!” and he nailed that bit of parchment on a tree. He knew his enemy would be passing by that tree at night, and when they did the scoutes saw the parchment on the tree and called ovre their commandre and said: “Commandre, what does this say?” And the commandre said: “I do not know, it is too dark. Light me a candel so I might read these words.” So they lit a fire and he read the words and then Edkert’s men shot him full of arrows. Edkert mustered all his men together on the fielde of battle before the laste of their foes, and were about to slew them all and conclude the war, but then Edkert had a convulsion and fell from his saddle and died.

arca law-breaker

Arca Law-breaker is remembred as the Fourth Founder of Eyr. She finally ended the long civil war, defeating her foemen in pitched battle on the Hitherfyrd. Now she said to the enemy commandre the Celerim Vonmorce of Nyescotte, in the middel of battel, "I shalt let thee collect thy wounded men and carry them to safety," and the Celerim agreede to it and shoke her hande, but when Arca's men reformed and gave them pause, cowardley Vonmorce gave the commande to charge instead, and tried to route Arca unsuspected. Nonetheless her men wert the stronger for they wert favored by the Mothre, and Arca won the field that day and took Vonmorce captive. And he said, "Ay, have mercy on me, my lord," and so she did. She took his hand that he shook on earlier that day and let him go, but she kept the hande and hadde it stoffede and wore it about rounde her neck like jewlrie, where the other lords wore golden gorgets. Whence she rode into Eyr she went up to the bronze tablettes set downe by Edwyn and smashed them and said: “We shalt have a new constitution.” And she made it so that the wode would be elected for life instead of eight years.

withold the cunning

With the longe warres over and the state in healing, Withold turned her attentiones to strengtheneing the institutiones of the state and reforming the armie. But Withold is maybe now best knowne for being an avid angler and spending all the time which she had free from duties fishing. She particularly liked to angle in the Weyhave and once when she was fishinge there she saw a greate whale-fishe emerge from the watres and spout its water all aboute her, soaking her moste thoroughly and nearly cap-sizing her, and Withold was much impressed by the monstre and said: “I declare no man may hunt a whale-fish and it shalt be known that any manne which hunteth the whale-fishe shalt by the deemster’s cree, to his death be put by the drowning in the Eel-pit of Doomsdule at Neckhring.” And that is why it is illegal to kill a whale.

sten the champion

eckert the well-thinking

eastaga the builder

There wert fewe learnede men in Eyr back in those times, but many a man that could swinge an ax and hold a banner as they went to make warre and pilauge their neighbers. So when the campagin wert finished and it were winter, Astagha had the menne learn abote things insteade of while away the time drinking, though she were a grete drinker her self and drank much. She moved the bookes of Doomgerda into the new campus she had built which were the foundations of the Greate Librarye of Eyr.

eckert of iron and gold

Eckhert were a hot-heddede manne and loved a good taunt, and it were with the Celerim Kyngreta of Ryttemerring that he called "a pig-swivven gulpre of cum," which she did not tolerate well being called, so she challengede Eckhertte to a duel, in which he lost his left arm before submitting that she were no such thing, at which she relentted and let him keep his life. This is how he gotte his prosthetic arm made of iron. And after becoming wode he raidede and made greate war against Eyr's neighbors, which made him greately weathly, and he had a large pile of gold indeed. This is how, when he lost his othere arm in a duel with the Endine Chimlinge of Darthendye, whom he called "a boyish connisseure of piss," he were able to have his othere prosthetick armme made of golde. He were quite sensible in setting good tarrifs on agriculturealle goodes.

welinn half-value

Welinn waged endless wars against Eyr’s neighbors at great cost and for no gain, and during this time he also constructed many new buildings all about Eyr. His opulent lifestyle ruined Eyr and made the state broke. Unable to pay his bills, Welinn debased the currency by half and said that half a coin is now worth one coin, and in this way he was able to pay his bills.

firthenan the simple

When Firthenan was elected wode, the nation was in a state of ruin. The coinage was worthless, trade impossible, all productione came to a halt. He recalled all the coines and began to mint new ones, but the people became angry and rioted and stormed his palace and seized Firthenan and tried him for incompetance and found him guiltey and executed him.

aldus deed-doer

The deathe of Firthenan triggered the longe War of the Five Wodes, wherein shy half a dozen generales alle proclaimed themselfs wodes and battled one and the other. For fifteen yeares battles were foughte across the West, the landes were ravaged, the fieldes destroyed, and many a life was loste. But in the ende it was Aldus who came out the victore and he saw the carnage that were made and said: “Enough!” And he said Arca’s lawes for electiones wert no more, and made the office of wode hereditary, and that Aldus woulde pass it down from fathre to child, and the people approved this, fore they said: “I do not care much who is my wode, so long as my fields are not burnt and my animals not slaughtered by these constant wars.” So began the Aldine dynasty. And Aldus did many good things, hence his name, such as take the many soldiers under his command who had fought with him fore so many years, and moved them north to the frontier, and annexed the Wichtlandes. And he started again the wars with the Ardines, and tooke much lande from them. And he built the grand building of the new library in Eyr where he had Eastage's bookes moved to and said: “In this library I shalt have one copy of every book in the Werld to read.” What a goode time that must have been for scholars, for even then scholares of no particular skille or talent could find worke at the library, translating bookes or some thing, and greate scholares would easily be noticed and rewarded for theire talents. This is unlike today, when only the scholares of no talents seem to controll all the offices and are jealouse of them and the rulres are ignorant to what real wisdome is, so that the greate scholars of true knowledge and talente languishe and are forced to write instead of explore their true talentes, which are manifold, such that were those scholares given proper offices worthy of them, ande did not have to eat turnip-brothe, all the learned men of future generationes woulde say: “Now there was a briallante minde! Let us make Golden Statues of this man!” For his accomplishmentes we call Aldus the Sixth Founder of Eyr.

audathius

Now, these dayes we mostely remembre Audathius threw the phrase: audathine gifte, as in, I have given you a gift but then latre chaunge my minde and want it back. But there is a good reason why we call this phrase such, and that is this: Audathius was needing to cemente his rule ovre the Werld and while many people were loyal to his fathre, some of them said: “Why musteth I giveth my allegiance to this manne, just because his fathre wert greate?” So Audathius gave out lands and rewards and titles to alle of his leading menne at courte to win ovre their loyalty. This worked well fore a time but surely you know the phrase: if you give a manne an inche he will ask for a furlonge. So some of the great men still did not supporte Audathius even aftre he had given them gifts, so Audathius enraged, revoked all their titles and confiscated their lands and killed most of them. Those who he spared were much bittre about their treatment so wrote many books denoucing Audathius and that is where oure phrase audathine gifts comes frome. It would be best if the writing of bookes were only left to great learned men instead of bitter vagabondes concerned only with petty trifels and not True History, for learned and wise men would only recorde the true and righteous moments of history and not useless frivolities and libels.

cennera of the triumphs

We alle know of Cennera's triumphs so let us not fockus on those but instead Cennera was known to roam the Fyrds and Wichtlandes ande walke aboute them in solitude and wrote many a polemick about the quietness of minde one achieves when walking alone in the forestte. She wrote these musinges in her diary the Cennerean Anthologies whiche wert not much redde in her life tyme but are more populare now, or at leaste I see many younge man carrying about the booke when they roame the tee-shoppes and tavernes and bokeshoppes, impressing yonge women with their culture ande knowledge ande appearinge very sofistickated and learnede, but when I aske them what they think of the Meditatiounes on a Broken Wheel, or some other chapter of that book they brushe me away so as to flirt bettre with the womenne.

faranad the king of the oceans

Faranad oversawe the Closing of the East, when there were no more unsettled territories of the Werld and declaired that the Eyrsh had spread so fully across the Werlde now that he wert no longre Wode of Eyr, but Wode of the Werld.

eyebre bent-beard

Now, Eyebre was a haughty man who thoughte none bettre than him at any thinge, ande if he saw a man throw a speare he would say: “I can throw a spear farther than ye.” And he would take a speare and throw it, and then the man who first threw the spear would throw anothre, but make sure not to throw it as far as Eyebre’s speare, fore he also hated much to be proved wronge. And once he was feasting with the Archendine Holmchurch at the wedding of his daughtre, and a juggler was broughte in who would juggle seven flaming clubes all at once, up in the air, sparkes a-flying all aboute, and all the laddes and good ladies clapped and applauded the jugglre muche. And jealouse Eyebre said: “I can juggle eight flaming clubbes better than ye.” And so he threw a flaming clubbe up in the aire and then anothre and anothre and one came fallinge down on him, and struck him in the face on the chin and his bearde caughte fire and melted his skinne and all the feasting hall smelt of roasted flesh and by the time the fire was putte out his lowre lippe had all melted away and he was greately disfigured, so he hadde to combe his bearde in suche a way to covre up his disfiguremente. That is why mothres will sometimes say to naughty children ovre confident in their skilles: “Ye shalt mind yourself lest ye get yourself a bent beard like Eyebre.” And the wode hadde the juggler put to deathe.

wariner the wicked

Wariner spent most of his reign fightinge gainst the wealsmenne and celerim of the relmme ande working to lowre taxationnes on the poore and establishing many charitabble hostles. It were under his reign that Eyr truly grewwe in size from being a fairly middling city by anyone's standardes, much smallre than the great Mothic cities of the Greate Thede, to the largeste city in the Werlde, on account on his free housing for any poore freeman who wantede it. All this he payed for by taxinge heavily the wealesmen and merchauntes and the wealthy and the scholares especially at the Scola who criticized him much, forre he bilt the housing of the poor nearby the wealthye, who hated this much and callede him a wickede man indeed.

eyebre ii

Now, unlike his fathre Wariner, Eyebre II were a fantastically fatte manne, so fat that no horse could carry him. This were a particular concern to Eyebre, for while he had his sedan, he very muche wishede to have a horse to carry him about, so one day he brought his Mastre of Horse before him and said: “Mastre of Horse, ye hath well servede me these many yeares, but now I come to discontentemente, fore I wisheth a horse to ride. Finde me a goode horse whiche will carry me.” So the Mastre of Horse was much distressed, as he was not sure he could finde such a horse, but he searched all across the Werlde and had many horses brought to himme. And one day Eyebre was carried in his greate sedan down to the stabels to inquire on the progress of the Mastre of Horse’s mission. And he approached a very large horse and said: “Mastre of Horse, this mighty steed looketh stronge and stout and like he might carry me.” And the Mastre of Horse said: “Yes, but he is not yet trayned, fore he is wilde.” But the wode heeded him not and attempted to mountt the horse, but the horse instead kicked Eyebre in the jaw, and shattered his jaw into multiple pieces. So for the next six monthes while his jawe healed, he could eat only brothe, and lost hundreds of poundes of weight, and when he was in good healthe again he went to the stables and could ride any horse he pleased, for he was no longre so greately fatte, though his face wert hideously dis-figured.

luwig the grim

Now Luwig liked small thinges and miniatures and liked to think himself some sort of godde, and had a building built where he wolde keep a small little kingdomme he built that he called the Littel Werld. And it all was to a small scale, with tiny people and tiny houses and tiny trees and horses and all othre things you can think of, but small. And he posed them about and marched them on parades and the like. People came to look at his Little Werlde and remarked about how grande it was and children especially delighted in it. Any waye, the famines became especially bad during his last yeares and in the provinces the people rose up and stormed the gates. Luwig saw all the people with torches and forks and hung himself so he could notte be captured.

eyfell the wanderer

Now, Eyfelle wert made hard to keepe at home, fore he liked to rome muche the Werld and see manye things that he hadde. Here, he said, I have the gem of the Werld at my fingre tippes, let me use it. So he walked about the Werlde much, exploringe all its lands, too and fro. The majestick cold dense forestse of the North, unpenetrable by man, the vaste desertes of Wastelande of the East, the strange and weird Tea Eyes which have monsters and animals unlike anywhere else, and then along the road he wert stabbed to deth bye a commone highwaymen. They say he brewed goode tea.

candice thread-counter

Now we all knowe the parabel of how the Queenes of the Werlde art they who make the threades of the fate, and they at their spindelles choose the colors and fibres and texchours of each our lives, and in so doing weave the threades of our lives. And none knowe the lengthe of the threades ore their portiones well but they, but the saying goes in the playe by Eurtheyous: “the Queenes might spin the thread, aye: but it be the wode who cut them.” And she tooke this quote very much to heart and became obsessed with the threads of men in a very literal way, and soon beganne stringing up threads of yarnne alle aboute the palace and tying up courtiers and servauntes in thread and waurninge them to do her well, less she wish to cut their thread.

heimren red-cap

Now Heimren was sayed to be quite the gardener and liked very much to rise in the morn with the sonne and go out to his garden and tende his tender plantes and floures and watch the bees gathre pollen in the morning dew. And some called him Farmre Heimren and he laughed muche about that. And he knew his plantes well and wanted many new plantes from alle over the Werld and one such strange plante from the east were sent to him and he hadde nevre seen it before and said: “What is this plante? I shalt eat it.” And he ate it. And his mind then seemed not good, and he screamed and fussed about, with foam coming from his mouthe. The doctores took him and clamped him down, and said: “Aye, there is too much phlegm in his skulle-cap.” So they tooke the saw and opened his head and took off his skul-cappe and, sure enough, his brain hadde wrinkled all uppe and did not look good. So they got a chisel and scrapped his brain untille it was cleane and smoothe, then put his skull-cappe back on his head, but putte in a lucky coin first to promote goode healinge, and stitched it up. And he was fairly well aftre then, though he was tired muche of the time, but the part of his heade the doctors took off discolored some and became ruddy, hence his name.

baren the bald

Now aftre his surgery Heimren became some bit forgetfull and wolde forget his sonne’s name and say: “Aye, Barton, come here.” Or: “Aye, look at Boron, the ladde.” Or: “How art ye today, Beerin?” Or: “Hello, Buronne.” And the like. Baren did not muche like this, but dealt withe it, for it was not really his fathre’s fault, but aftre Heimren died, all of Baren’s ministres liked to joke about and jest and say: “Oh, hello Burton, how art ye this morn?” Or: “Please sign here these papres, Barkon.” It was all a goode jest, but Baren gotte tired of it one day, so hadde all his cabinet behedded and replaced with new men. They say he lost all his haire after he had a greate fevre, and lost his fingre nailes too. After a screaming fitte which lastede for thirty dayes he recovred from the fevre, but never spoke a worde again in his life aftre then.

oren half-hand

Oren had a very large nose, and I know this is true because there is a portrait of Oren that I saw. You can see it at the publick house Swanne & Fountaine on Markt and Friare, and it is between the two tappes on the right walle. You will recognize it as the manne with the large nose. Now the portrait used to be in the palace, but somehowe aftre the Siege it were remouved from the palace and the publican of the Swann & Fountain acquired it. I asked him where he gotte it, but he said: “Oh, I don't remembre.”

gaderd do-nothing

The Plantres of Ardune hated Gaderd very much, and called him ‘Gadturd’ which is most unseemly a thinge to call a Wode I think, but theye hadde some justifickation from their perspecktive, because Gaderd divorsed his wife the daughter of the Marshallk of Ardune, who since the days of Eyebre the Yonger it had been the tradition of the Wode to marry, were the Wode so able to. And the insult to the Arduners wert more greater still because Gaderd divorced his Arduner bride so as to marry a powerful sorceress who could call down lightninge frum the skies as powerful wizardes do. Many an older Eyrshman who survived the War will tell you they do remembre seeing her once put on parade and carried about on a large chair which she wert strapped to shooting lightening in the streets.

heron the last true eyrsh

Now Gaderd hadde two child sons born post-humous when he suddenly drowned to deathe: Heron and Osien who were twins, and some claimed Heron to be the rightful wode while othres, namely those in Ardune, claimed Osien to be the rightful heir, for it had been agreed upon that Osien would be raised and educated in Ardune. Heron truthfully had the better claim by a few minutes, but that did not stop a war from starting. So fore many years they battled and all the Werld was at war and during this time the Western ships first appeared. And Osien, as you know, sided with the Westreners and used their gonnes and steele to fight Heron and defeated him and young Heren perished in the flammes.

osien the traitor

By the time Osien stepped foot into the Palis, the diseases and fire and war had ravaged the lande and Eyr was madde a ruin and half the Werld lay dead, and Osien looked upon the corpse of Eyr and wept and then did hang himself.

eralf the puppet

So the Marshalc found Eralf, who was cousin of Heron and Osien, and made him wode and set him on the throne, though they set him up in Engris where he could be watched by the Arduneres and not Eyr, for the Werld was united no morre. He was a boy and knew not muche what was going on, but wished to play instead. So the Marchalc did as he pleased. But as he aged and the yeares went by, Eralf became aware of his situation and resented it and became defiant, so they slew him and threw his body in a ditch.

ashcrift the mad

Eralf’s counsin Ashcrift was bourne after the Arduneres hadde ravaged the Werld and grew up alone in a dungeone cell in the palace and it is said he never spoke to anyone until he was twelve, when the Mareshalque’s men came down and found him and tolde him he was wode. He knew not what that meant or where he were, but instead believed his body full of spidres and were he stuck he would breake like glass and all the spidres would come out and fill the room. But as the yeares went by he seemed to awake and become aware of his situation and became defiant, so they slew him and threw his body in a ditch.

enhared the last

Ashcrift’s youngre brothre Enhared too grew up in the dungeones and did not speak to men until he was eight-teen, when the Mareshalc’s men came down and found him and tolde him he was wode. He never woke up, as his brothre had, but instead screamed all day long, sitting on his throne shrieking and shrieking. At last the Ardunners tired of him, so they threw him out on the streets of Engris and said: “There will no longer be a wode.” And so there were no more wodes. They say Enhared died never knowing that he was the wode, or what that meant.